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Ai Fa Xian (Love Discovery)

“Why does it take so long to realise how much you love someone?” she wondered, as she sat on the bed next to her sleeping boyfriend, writing.

The first time she’d fallen in love it had happened quite quickly, she’d felt it within a couple of weeks.

The second time had been a sort of at-second-sight occasion. Meeting the man initially, she’d felt nothing, but on seeing him a year later it had been instant, she’d literally felt her heart drop from her chest to her feet.

This time, the first time her love had been requited, it had been very different. Beginning as a best friendship, the relationship had changed, but for a long time she’d thought that maybe it was more a case of lust. She felt a sturdy bond with him but often worried about whether she felt enough because it didn’t feel the same as the previous times. She put up barriers because she was afraid of getting hurt.

One day she became aware that he might propose and found herself willing it not to happen. So when she realised it wasn’t going to happen surely she should’ve been happy?

The disappointment was an eye-opener. She realised she did love him enough and that not seeing it before had been her own stupid fault. She realised she’d always loved him enough. She knew it only felt different because the situation was different. From then on her world had changed.

She put down her pen and watched him sleeping, unable to look anywhere else. It had always been this way, only now she was following her heart rather than her head. She would stop being afraid and stop analysing everything.

The barriers she’d so carefully built came tumbling down.


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